Over the last 10 years my weight has been a huge struggle for me. After I had Ally, I never returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. I agree, that weight was too skinny for my 5'8" frame. I weighed about 125lbs when I started my pregnancy with Ally. I gained about 35 lbs which is pretty normal. I was disillusioned like most women thinking that I would pop out this kid and within 4 weeks be back to "normal." That didn't happen and the struggle commenced. I started to workout and do every fad diet but I just couldn't get down past 135lbs. I then became pregnant with Benny and only put on 15 lbs during my pregnancy and walked out of the hospital weighing 140lbs. So I thought I'm gonna breastfeed and workout and I will easily get back down under 130lbs. I did just that, I started kickboxing a few days a week and I breastfed Benny. I got to 133lbs and I was really happy with that. It didn't last long. The unfortunate thing about breastfeeding is that you can pretty much eat anything you want and still burn major calories everyday. So when I stopped breastfeeding I didn't change my eating habits and the weight packed on super fast. I was up to 147lbs within 6 months. I was shocked at how fast I gained weight. I had never dealt with that before. I had "skinny girl" brain where I could eat whatever I wanted and never gain a pound. My brain needed to catch up with my body. Things had changed and it was a harsh reality, I struggled to accept it. I once again determined I would diet and excercise more to lose the weight. To my suprise I ended up knocked up again with Bailey. As vain as it sounds one of my first thoughts was "oh no I'm already fat, I'm gonna get even fatter!" I know to some of you this may be offensive because 147lbs doesn't seem fat to you. To me, it is not where I was comfortable, I had always been very thin. So anyway, I gained about 25 lbs with Bailey and weighed about 170lbs when I delivered her. Here's where things got really tricky. I walked out of the hospital weighing about 155lbs. I was totally under the impression that if I breastfed and worked out that I would drop the weight just like with Benny. 6 weeks after having Bailey I started to train to become a group fitness instructor. I was at the gym almost 5 days a week sometimes doing 2 workouts a day. Initially I lost about 10 lbs. I was down to 145lbs. I kept up my workouts and 6 months later I started to gain weight at a very rapid pace. I gained about 15 lbs in a 6 month period. I immediately made an appt with my Dr. to see what was wrong. He ran a full blood panel on me and said there was nothing wrong other than I tested pre-diabetic. I was so frustrated. Another 6 months went by and I was up to 160lbs, the same weight as when I delivered Allyson. Talk about depressing. I started to realize that my weight gain had more to do with my emotions and my psychological state than it did with what I ate and how often I worked out. I was dealing with some really hard things in my personal life and I realized that I was depressed. I eventually topped the scale at 170lbs. I was so disgusted with myself, how could I let that happen? I was completely powerless over food and I stopped excercising. I was in a really dark place. About a year later I decided that I had enough and started to take a homeopathic pill that helped with depression and weight loss. It was called 5-htp. It is an amino acid. Within 2 weeks of taking this I felt so much better. I told my mom it was like someone took a black hood off of my face and I could see the sunshine again. It made me very nauseas and gave me headaches but it was a fair trade off for how much better I felt. I took it for about 6 months and lost 10lbs. I was down to 160lbs but I still was very unhappy with the way I looked. I always dreamed of being back at 130lbs. It seemed impossible, it seemed so far fetched. There were many times that I told myself this is the way it is going to be. I just have to get used to looking like this. I don't have the will or the discipline to change. I met with one of my best friends for dinner and she looked amazing. I asked her what she was doing and she told me "low calorie diet and running." Now I have known her since birth and for her to run was just a down right miracle! I thought to myself "if she can run, then I can run." That week I put on my shoes and got on the treadmill. The first month I couldn't even run a mile without stopping. I hated it!!! I absolutely loathed running. It was so boring and it hurt! I would curse in my head and be totally mad the whole time. I kept at it. Not very consistant though. I would do 2 days a week maybe 3 on a good week. I started to get better at it, within a few months I was running 2-3 miles without stopping. I really hated the treadmill though. I finally decided that running outside was better suited for me. Running outside hurt worse, and it was much harder than the treadmill. But I loved getting out of the house and having some time alone. It was therapeutic. I started to really like running. I never thought that would happen but it did. I would look forward to my runs. I started to run consistently 3-4 times a week and 3-4 miles each run. The bad part was I was still eating like a pig! So I ran and ran and ran and ate and ate and ate. My weight stayed pretty consistent around 155-160lbs. In January of 2011 I had to have my appendix taken out and I was forced on a liquid diet for a week. I lost almost 10lbs, it was amazing. I was too drugged up to care that I couldn't eat. Best diet ever!!! hahahaha. At that point I decided it was the best time to try dieting to see if I could get the rest of the weight off. Unfortunately it was an epic fail. If you go on a liquid diet your body is starving and when you start eating again it stores everything, so the 10lbs I lost came right back. I was frustrated and felt defeated and just plain old gave up. I kept running but no dieting. I ate whatever crap I wanted to whenever I wanted to. The running basically just helped maintain my weight instead of gaining. Finally when life fell apart last year, I decided it was time. Time for a change, time for me to gain control over something that had controlled me for 10 years. I had very little in my life that I could control but my weight was one thing I could control, so I did. I put myself on a very low calorie diet that did not exclude anything. So I could have carbs, sugar, fat , whatever as long as I stayed within my calorie allowance. I also ran 3-4 days a week, my normal run, nothing more or less. I started to see immediate results. I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks, 20 lbs at 6 weeks and finally 30lbs at 12 weeks. I did it!!!!! After so long I finally reached my goal. I lost 30lbs!!!!! I have been able to maintain my weight for almost 3 months now, which I was never able to do before.I finally realized how important it is to change my eating habits. You can't excercise away bad eating habits. To maintain I eat whatever I want on the weekends and stick to 1,000 calories a day Monday thru Friday. I still run 3 days a week.
I wanted to write this, not to brag, but to inspire you. I know there were times in my life I needed inspiration. It helped me to see friends of mine reach their goals. I can't tell you exactly what changed or what clicked with me to finally get there. It's different for everyone. If you have a goal, keep going, it may take years to get there but if you stick with it, you will get there. Don't let failure derail you from pushing forward. Find out what works for you and push through. Find inspiration and encouragement and hang on to it.
