The joy of meeting a goal.

Over the last 10 years my weight has been a huge struggle for me. After I had Ally, I never returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. I agree, that weight was too skinny for my 5'8" frame.  I weighed about 125lbs when I started my pregnancy with Ally.  I gained about 35 lbs which is pretty normal.  I was disillusioned like most women thinking that I would pop out this kid and within 4 weeks be back to "normal." That didn't happen and the struggle commenced.  I started to workout and do every fad diet but I just couldn't get down past 135lbs.  I then became pregnant with Benny and only put on 15 lbs during my pregnancy and walked out of the hospital weighing 140lbs.  So I thought I'm gonna breastfeed and workout and I will easily get back down under 130lbs.  I did just that, I started kickboxing a few days a week and I breastfed Benny.  I got to 133lbs and I was really happy with that.  It didn't last long.  The unfortunate thing about breastfeeding is that you can pretty much eat anything you want and still burn major calories everyday.  So when I stopped breastfeeding I didn't change my eating habits and the weight packed on super fast.  I was up to 147lbs within 6 months.  I was shocked at how fast I gained weight.  I had never dealt with that before.  I had "skinny girl" brain where I could eat whatever I wanted and never gain a pound.  My brain needed to catch up with my body.  Things had changed and it was a harsh reality, I struggled to accept it.  I once again determined I would diet and excercise more to lose the weight.  To my suprise I ended up knocked up again with Bailey.  As vain as it sounds one of my first thoughts was "oh no I'm already fat, I'm gonna get even fatter!"  I know to some of you this may be offensive because 147lbs doesn't seem fat to you.  To me, it is not where I was comfortable, I had always been very thin.  So anyway, I gained about 25 lbs with Bailey and weighed about 170lbs when I delivered her.  Here's where things got really tricky.  I walked out of the hospital weighing about 155lbs.  I was totally under the impression that if I breastfed and worked out that I would drop the weight just like with Benny.  6 weeks after having Bailey I started to train to become a group fitness instructor. I was at the gym almost 5 days a week sometimes doing 2 workouts a day.  Initially I lost about 10 lbs. I was down to 145lbs.  I kept up my workouts and 6 months later I started to gain weight at a very rapid pace.  I gained about 15 lbs in a 6 month period.  I immediately made an appt with my Dr. to see what was wrong.  He ran a full blood panel on me and said there was nothing wrong other than I tested pre-diabetic.  I was so frustrated.  Another 6 months went by and I was up to 160lbs, the same weight as when I delivered Allyson. Talk about depressing.  I started to realize that my weight gain had more to do with my emotions and my psychological state than it did with what I ate and how often I worked out.  I was dealing with some really hard things in my personal life and I realized that I was depressed.  I eventually topped the scale at 170lbs.  I was so disgusted with myself, how could I let that happen? I was completely powerless over food and I stopped excercising. I was in a really dark place.  About a year later I decided that I had enough and started to take a homeopathic pill that helped with depression and weight loss.  It was called 5-htp. It is an amino acid. Within 2 weeks of taking this I felt so much better.  I told my mom it was like someone took a black hood off of my face and I could see the sunshine again.  It made me very nauseas and gave me headaches but it was a fair trade off for how much better I felt.  I took it for about 6 months and lost 10lbs.   I was down to 160lbs but I still was very unhappy with the way I looked.  I always dreamed of being back at 130lbs.  It seemed impossible, it seemed so far fetched.  There were many times that I told myself this is the way it is going to be. I just have to get used to looking like this.  I don't have the will or the discipline to change.  I met with one of my best friends for dinner and she looked amazing.  I asked her what she was doing and she told me "low calorie diet and running."  Now I have known her since birth and for her to run was just a down right miracle! I thought to myself "if she can run, then I can run."  That week I put on my shoes and got on the treadmill.  The first month I couldn't even run a mile without stopping.  I hated it!!! I absolutely loathed running.  It was so boring and it hurt! I would curse in my head and be totally mad the whole time.  I kept at it.  Not very consistant though.  I would do 2 days a week maybe 3 on a good week.  I started to get better at it, within a few months I was running 2-3 miles without stopping.  I really hated the treadmill though.  I finally decided that running outside was better suited for me.  Running outside hurt worse, and it was much harder than the treadmill. But I loved getting out of the house and having some time alone.  It was therapeutic.  I started to really like running.  I never thought that would happen but it did.  I would look forward to my runs.  I started to run consistently 3-4 times a week and 3-4 miles each run.  The bad part was I was still eating like a pig! So I ran and ran and ran and ate and ate and ate.  My weight stayed pretty consistent around 155-160lbs.  In January of 2011 I had to have my appendix taken out and I was forced on a liquid diet for a week.  I lost almost 10lbs, it was amazing. I was too drugged up to care that I couldn't eat.  Best diet ever!!! hahahaha.  At that point I decided it was the best time to try dieting to see if I could get the rest of the weight off.  Unfortunately it was an epic fail.  If you go on a liquid diet your body is starving and when you start eating again it stores everything, so the 10lbs I lost came right back.  I was frustrated and felt defeated and just plain old gave up.  I kept running but no dieting. I ate whatever crap I wanted to whenever I wanted to.  The running basically just helped maintain my weight instead of gaining.  Finally when life fell apart last year, I decided it was time. Time for a change, time for me to gain control over something that had controlled me for 10 years. I had very little in my life that I could control but my weight was one thing I could control, so I did.  I put myself on a very low calorie diet that did not exclude anything.  So I could have carbs, sugar, fat , whatever as long as I stayed within my calorie allowance. I also ran 3-4 days a week, my normal run, nothing more or less. I started to see immediate results.  I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks, 20 lbs at 6 weeks and finally 30lbs at 12 weeks.  I did it!!!!! After so long I finally reached my goal.  I lost 30lbs!!!!! I have been able to maintain my weight for almost 3 months now, which I was never able to do before.I finally realized how important it is to change my eating habits. You can't excercise away bad eating habits. To maintain I eat whatever I want on the weekends and stick to 1,000 calories a day Monday thru Friday. I still run 3 days a week.

  I wanted to write this, not to brag, but to inspire you.  I know there were times in my life I needed inspiration. It helped me to see friends of mine reach their goals.  I can't tell you exactly what changed or what clicked with me to finally get there. It's different for everyone.  If you have a goal, keep going, it may take years to get there but if you stick with it, you will get there.  Don't let failure derail you from pushing forward.  Find out what works for you and push through. Find inspiration and encouragement and hang on to it.

What the Heck God.....are you serious?

Yes, this is a line that I have used so frequently in the past year. "What the heck God, are you serious?"  I'm sure He smiles the way I do when my kids question the things I do for them or to them. I know that my plans are greater than theirs and that I can see the big picture and they can't.  This makes my kids vulnerable and naive. I have compassion for them because I know they struggle to grasp why things have to be a certain way.  So I know that God loves me much more than I love my children and that He has much more compassion for my doubts and fears of the unknown.  A year ago everything that was comfortable to us was gone.  In one day a flood of fear and anger and hurt replaced the comfort and security.  You've heard the saying God works in mysterious ways.....well...this was becoming reality to me.  It all started about 8 years ago.  I was at MSJC plugging along with my classes.  I had already been married for a few years and had Ally.  I found out I was pregnant with Benny and I had to drop a whole semester worth of classes because I was extremely sick.  The smell of a cadaver is not okay when you are 2 months pregnant.  I was so sad that I couldn't finish my schooling when I wanted to.  At that time I knew that God was telling me to wait.  He was asking me to stay home with my small babies and enjoy them and to wait until they were in school to go to school.  I didn't like that at all.  That didn't fit into my plans. I fought the Lord on this for a whole year.  I continued to try and take classes. I failed a number of them because I was simply out of God's will.  I finally surrendered to the Lord and realized that I must be obedient.  So I did, for 7 years I stayed home and I waited.  Last January 2011 Bailey was in preschool 4 days a week and the other 2 kids were in school full time and I felt the Lord put on my heart to go back to school.  Having experienced the complete failure of going without the Lord's blessing I was really reluctant.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  At that time, Ivan was working quite alot.  I didn't know how it would be possible for me to go to school with him gone as much as he was and his schedule was so unpredictable.  I prayed and told the Lord, "if it is your will for me to go to school then please change something with Ivan's schedule." This prayer went unanswered for 7 months.  I just waited. To me, that would be the "open door" that I needed as confirmation.  Then it came, and not in the way I ever imagined.  Isn't God so funny to do that.  He blindsided me.  As I reeled from our new circumstances, God spoke so clearly to me"....I gave you what you asked for."  It was the truth, I asked for a change, how dare I complain?  Yes, these new life changes really stunk but isn't God faithful to complete the work He starts? Yes, it hurts when you are tested by fire and pain, but doesn't God promise strength and blessing in the end? Everything seemed to be crumbling down around me, but yet the one thing in my life that was "working" was school.  God has parted the Red Sea for me. He has done the impossible to get me into classes that were seemingly hopeless.  He has allowed me the freedom to study and attend classses without the worry and stress of how our kids would be taken care of.  They are with Daddy....no daycare....what a blessing.  Do I wish things were different...easier....absolutely.  However, I trust that God has a plan in all of this.  I have faith that God will provide.  I trust that He has not led me down this path to abandon me but that I would prosper.  I have been back in school now for 1 year and God is continuing to get me through.  Hopefully soon I will be able to look back on this crazy path and see all the hidden gems that my emotion and craziness won't let me see right now.  That's my favorite part, coming out the other side and seeing God's hand move and how absolutely perfect it is!

Father's Love Letter

I read this today for the first time....I'm sure most of you have already seen this....I'm a little slow when it comes to these things. It really was one of the coolest things I have ever read, I have read all of these verses before but never like this. With all that we are going through I needed to read this.

Father's Love Letter

My Child,You may not know me, but
I know everything about you.

Psalm 139:1

I know
when you sit down and when you rise up.

Psalm 139:2

I am
familiar with all your ways.

Psalm 139:3

Even
the very hairs on your head are numbered.

Matthew 10:29-31

For
you were made in my image.

Genesis 1:27

In me
you live and move and have your being.

Acts 17:28

For
you are my offspring.

Acts 17:28

I knew
you even before you were conceived.

Jeremiah 1:4-5

I
chose you when I planned creation.

Ephesians 1:11-12

You
were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.

Psalm 139:15-16

I
determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You
are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14

I knit
you together in your mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13

And
brought you forth on the day you were born.

Psalm 71:6

I have
been misrepresented by those who don't know me.

John 8:41-44

I am
not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love.

1 John 4:16

And it
is my desire to lavish my love on you.

1 John 3:1

Simply
because you are my child and I am your Father.

1 John 3:1

I
offer you more than your earthly father ever could.

Matthew 7:11

For I
am the perfect father.

Matthew 5:48

Every
good gift that you receive comes from my hand.

James 1:17

For I
am your provider and I meet all your needs.

Matthew 6:31-33

My
plan for your future has always been filled with hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Because I

love you with an everlasting love.

Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts

toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.

Psalms 139:17-18

And I
rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

I will
never stop doing good to you.

Jeremiah 32:40

For
you are my treasured possession.

Exodus 19:5

I
desire to establish youwith all my heart and all my soul.

Jeremiah 32:41

And I
want to show you great and marvelous things.

Jeremiah 33:3

If you
seek me with all your heart, you will find me.

Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in

me and I will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

For it
is I who gave you those desires.

Philippians 2:13

I am
able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

For I
am your greatest encourager.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am
also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When
you are brokenhearted, I am close to you.

Psalm 34:18

As a
shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.

Isaiah 40:11

One
day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.

Revelation 21:3-4

And
I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.

Revelation 21:3-4

I am
your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.

John 17:23

For in
Jesus, my love for you is revealed.

John 17:26

He is
the exact representation of my being.

Hebrews 1:3

He
came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you.

Romans 8:31

And to
tell you that I am not counting your sins.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus
died so that you and I could be reconciled.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His
death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.

1 John 4:10

I gave
up everything I lovedthat I might gain your love.

Romans 8:31-32

If you
receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me.

1 John 2:23

And
nothing will ever separate you from my love again.

Romans 8:38-39

Come
home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.

Luke 15:7

I have
always been Father, and will always be Father.

Ephesians 3:14-15

My
question is…Will you be my child?

John 1:12-13

I am
waiting for you.

Luke 15:11-32

Love,
Your Dad Almighty God

Family Fun in the Forest

Family Vacation came early this year. We usually go to Ocean Beach for a week in September but this year we switched it up and headed up to Hume Lake the second week of June. We started our journey at 9am on Saturday morning and finally reached our destination at 5pm Saturday night. It was a looooong drive. I found out I'm not very good with long drives. I don't think there will be any cross-country road trips in my future. Ivan kept telling me every hour on our way up "if we were going to the beach, we would be there by now." He loves to torture me. So we made it up the hill and started our week in the mountains. It was much different being up in the mountains. We were stripped of all the comforts of technology.....no tv, no cell phones, no internet. Just the 15 of us in one house.....it could have been a disaster but by the grace of God, it was wonderful !!! We stayed in the most beautiful cabin surrounded by the forest and the fresh air. We were about a mile from Hume Lake Christian Camps. We found plenty to do, hiking, fishing, bike rides, games, and food. Here's a peek at our week........

the caravan has arrived !!!!!
the kids on a hike with Nana & Papa.

Each evening we would make our way down to the camp and get milkshakes at the snack shop....they are the best milkshakes I've ever had.

yeah the kids liked them too :)

It's time for some fishing.....the boys all caught fish, big ones !!!!

Good job Benny and Mikey....you made Papa so proud.

It's the simple things that binds a family together...........

It's a family death march...oh I mean a family hike....silly me.

It's the girls, Kim, Mom, Me, and Linds.

taking in God's magnificent creation......the journey to get there, not so magnificent...but that's another story ;)

It's great to be climbing trees like a kid !!!! And this was a big one.......

I believe that God gave us trees like this to give us just a glimpse at how big He is !!!

such beautiful spot to spend the afternoon.....and yes that is me in the chair trying desperately to get cell phone service.....it was day 2 I was still in the midst of deep withdrawls.

Here we are the last day of our vacation and we still have smiles....that says everything :)
I Love my family.

Breaking Through Conference

I know that so many of my friends and family were praying for the Breaking Through Conference that I helped put together and I wanted to share with you all how it went. April 30th came quickly, much quicker than I had expected. Before I knew it I was at Calvary Costa Mesa and preparing for the conference. This day had been planned for almost a year, so it was awesome and scary to know that it was finally upon us. For those of you wondering how I got involved with planning this conference, here's the scoop. I had Lisa Musil, from White As Wool Ministries come and speak at a Purity Conference that I planned at our church CCSJ. After she spoke at our conference she felt that the Lord told her that she should do a conference at her church, Calvary Costa Mesa. She called me and asked if I would be willing to be on the Board and help plan that conference. I am so happy that I said yes, because this conference was such a blessing to be apart of. So anyway, I drove to Costa Mesa on Friday so that I could help Lisa with all the things that needed to be done. We were at the church setting up until almost 1 am!!!! We got back to her house and got a whopping 4 hours of sleep and then got up and started our marathon day. We started to check in our helpers and then the resource booths got there to set up and everything was ready to go. The speakers and some of the Board members gathered in the prayer room to pray. Nothing is worth doing unless you are willing to get on your knees and ask God to be there.

We were all suprised when girls started showing up early to register. By 9am we had a really long line of girls waiting to check in. It was so awesome !!!! Well, probally not for the girls standing in line but I thought it was awesome ;)

So it was finally time for the conference to get started!!! We had the Holly Starr Band there to kick it off. They did an awesome job. They are the greatest bunch of kids, so fun to work with.

We had 7 speakers in all. They did an amazing job. God spoke so clearly through each one of them. We were so blessed to get to hear about the struggles they have overcome and how they have victory in Christ Jesus.

Outside in the courtyard we had all of our resource booths set up. Satan tried to take them down with the Santa Ana winds but God calmed the winds!!! I about had an ulcer stressing out about the winds but God is always faithful. It was so cool to see the girls going to each booth and shopping and getting their photo taken at the photo booth. We had some amazing ministries that donated their time and resources to be there. It was so cool !!!!!

So that's the short version of how the day went. We were lucky to be apart of a Conference that God put together. We got to see Him move and touch people's lives. I feel so honored to have been able to watch that. Thank you everyone for your prayers !!!!!!!

Taking Time with the One You Love

There comes a time when you have multiple children and your life is crazy hectic that you look at your husband and he looks a little like a guy you used to date......that is when it's time to plan a vacation for just you and him !!!!! The time had come, it had been almost 5 years since Ivan and I last had a vacation together alone and it was way past due. He casually asked back in December if we could go on a short cruise together and I was way ahead of him. I had already planned a week long cruise up the Pacific Coast to Vancouver. I wanted so badly to suprise him with it however the suprise was spoiled by Valentines Day..... Oh well, it was still priceless to see his face when I confirmed what he already heard on the answering machine (thanks NCL lady who left the detailed message on the machine). We were both looking forward to some time together to relax, explore, and just have fun. So here are some of my favorite moments together:

Here we are bowling on our ship....

Going into the San Francisco Bay: Our favorite city, this was our 5th time to S.F. together and we always have so much fun there together.

This is where we spent most of our time on the ship, it was gorgeous and we would just sit and relax in the sun and Ivan would eat and eat and eat....there was a buffet right there. This explains the differences between us....I loved it because I was outside in the sun and it was quiet except the sound of the ocean, he loved it because there was an endless supply of food within 20 ft. of him......God knew what he was doing when he put us together ;)

This one is my favorite because I booked only 1 shore excursion for us and it was a Lighthouse tour in Astoria, Oregon. I booked it because it said the activity level was 1, which means that there was minimal walking and it was on level ground. Well.....that didn't end up to be true. There was a 3/4 mile hike to get to the first lighthouse. It really was a hike, up hill and on rock. My husband knew how badly I wanted to go to that lighthouse so he sucked it up and went for it. Everytime I looked at him I could see the pain all over his face but when I tried to stop he said "keep going" and it's things like that, that show me how much he loves me. It was cold and damp the worst weather conditions for him, but he never complained. The hike was gorgeous and the Lighthouse was awesome....so thank you honey for being the man that you are !!!!!!!

And finally, marriage is about compromise; Ivan endured the endless walking and I endured the juggling class !!! This is what my husband loves to do, well besides eating, he loves to be a kid !!! That is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Our age difference has never been an issue because my husband it forever 10 years old at heart. He really wanted to do this juggling class so I sat and watched and took pictures of him. I know it meant alot to him that I was there so I went with a happy face :)

The vacation was great and the time with Ivan was even greater. We laughed alot, and ate alot, and explored alot. We made some great memories and I can't wait until the next time I get him all to myself !!!! For all my married friends, invest in your marriage, take the time, spend the money and do it !!!! The rewards are so worth it, a healthy marriage is the best gift you can give your kids.

Ivan I love you more today than ever, thank you for being the man that you are and for loving me the way that you do.

Family

This blog post is mostly for my family but I don't mind sharing it with everyone. Today I was looking through old pictures and it just hit me how incredibly blessed I am. My family is a gift from God and I know that sometimes I can take them for granted but today I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. We have been through alot the last several years....lots of good and some bad but through it we remain in tact. Some of the pictures I saw made me laugh so hard and others just warmed me up with happiness, some of them made me sad. We have been through alot together graduations, weddings, lots of babies, new houses, new jobs, vacations, losing loved ones, holidays, birthday parties, fights, make ups, surgeries, and so much more. I can't wait to see all that God brings us through in the next 10 years. I LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!