A New Journey

This week I started a 3 year journey to the career I've wanted for so long.  As I sat in the seat of my first class, the director of our program began to speak, and what came out of her mouth touched my heart in a profound way.  She started to tell us that we should be so proud of ourselves for getting where we are, that it isn't easy and it's a real accomplishment.  But then, she said, "We've been praying for you, each one of you, by name.  Your professors already love you, they care about your heart, your life, and your future career."  I can't exactly tell you why it affected me so much but I do know that in that moment I was so grateful for where God has me. I did the majority of my prerequisites at a community college.  I actually was accepted to a Nursing School at another public college but I chose not to go.  It would have saved me alot of money, but I would have missed out on the incredible blessing of being where I am.   To be in a Christian school and have the opportunity to learn the profession I love is just way more than I deserve, but it's God's best.  I had the opportunity to be in another place, different circumstances, but it wasn't God's best, I was willing to wait for God's best.  Do I deserve it? Is it something I earned? No way!!! That's the crazy thing about grace, God pours it out on us and it is in no way contigent on whether or not we deserve it.  There is one contigency though, are you willing to be patient and wait for God's perfect will and timing?  I'm so glad I waited.  There are certain details that I may never understand God's reasons but it doesn't matter.  So as I begin this wild ride through nursing school I'm excited to see what God has for me.  I doubt I'll be the same person I am today.  So I begin this wild crazy ride, I will always remember the day I got my acceptance letter.  I will always remember the flood of gratitude I had because God did the work NOT ME! I will always remember our first day, and how God used our professors to show me His love. 

This is my family and they are the reason I work so hard!

 

I took this picture while I was in the Starbucks Drive-thru on my way to our first day of class. Watching the sun come up!

 

Our first day at the hospital !!

 

 

 

 

time to give

I read in my devotional a few months ago that even in our "poorest" state we all have something to give.  Ever since reading this I have started to pray "how can I be a blessing to others?"  It's no secret that we've been in a place of financial struggle the last couple of years.  God has used so many people to bless us.  I don't want to be just a "taker" I want to give.  What can I give?  I don't have much, but as I continually ask God to show me ways and show me people in need, He has started to do an even bigger work in my heart.  As I take my eyes off of our situation and our struggles I am given a peace and joy that can't be found anywhere but with God.  Yesterday I read a passage in Isaiah that spoke directly to my heart.  Isaiah 58:7-11 

Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter

when you see the naked, to clothe him,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear,

then your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say : Here I am.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

The Lord will guide you always;

He will satisfy your needs in a sunscorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

 

 

God's blessings to us come when we are focused on others and most importantly focused on Him.  Not that we would serve others only to get something in return from God, but that we would simply want to please Him.  I confess I'm not very good at this.  I am always looking for the silver lining for myself.  But the more I learn about who God is and I see Him blessing me through others, I want to be that person.  I want to give and to do it only for the glory of God.  I may not have money to give or material possesions but I have things that don't cost me in money but cost me in time, effort, thought, love, kindness, and grace.  I can be an encouragement, I can be a prayer warrior, I can be a cook, I can be a babysitter, and so much more.  At our women's retreat a few weeks ago, our speaker talked about how we have a responsibility to come along side those who are hurting, struggling, and in need even in the most simple of ways.  Why is it easier to write a check for a starving child in Africa than to go to a friends house and offer to watch her kids while she gets a break? Watching her kids takes our time, our patience, our love, and our effort.  The simple things can sometimes be the hardest.  My prayer is that God helps me to see the need and be obedient to act.  

 



Is it the endless struggle

Is it an endless struggle or is there light at the end of the tunnel? Most days I know there will be light, I don't even question it, and then there are days like today.  Today seems dark and hopeless.  I want to crawl out of my own skin, find a deep dark hole and bury myself.  When everything is just too much and I can't seem to catch my breath.  Behind my best poker face I am screaming HELP!!! All around me there are people who will never know the depth of what I feel....but God knows. It sounds so cliche but its the truth.  He sees my tears and he hears my inner screams.  He's seen my heart break and picked up the pieces. 

Be Still and Know that I am God

In the midst of the storm of life God says..."Be still..."  It seems so simple and yet it is the most difficult lesson I've had to learn.  How do you trust God when nothing seems to make sense? How do you stand in confident faith when everything goes wrong? How do you know God's unfailing love when you are consumed by dissappointment and confusion?  Those are the thoughts I battle with.  I have experienced moments of incredible faith and strength only to be followed by the lowest of lows where I question everything.  As the days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and months turn into years, I see those periods of strength become more frequent and the lows become less severe.  But over the past 2 years one thing has remained the same, God's simple instruction to me..."Be still."  When I'm not still my daily life is plagued with manic attempts at figuring things out and worry and anxiety.  Then the Lord gently reminds me that I'm outside of His instructions to me.  He shows me so clearly that peace can only be found when I abide in Him.  What does it mean to claim God's promises? What does total surrender look like for me?  How do I pray effectively, is there some secret formula?  Even in my devotional life I find myself trying to figure it all out.  When really all God asks of me is to be willing.  Willing to obey, willing to trust, willing to love, willing to forgive, willing to repent, willing to surrender.  If I am willing, He is able.  Satan wants to convince me that I have to do so much more than be willing.  He wants me to feel that God is witholding from me because I am not good enough, I don't know the secret handshake of heaven's blessings.  Satan uses this tactic time and time again to consume me with feelings of hopelessness, failure, anxiety, and anger.  So how do I combat the voice of Satan? The answer is simple, more time with the Lord.  When I am spending more time contemplating the voice of Satan there is no room for God to speak.  So I push back the voice of darkness and listen intently to the voice of God and what do you know....He NEVER fails to answer.  I asked the Lord what do you want me to do? I know He's asked me to be still but how? How do I be still in my actions but grow in my spirit? This is what God showed me. 

Romans 4:20,21

He did not waiver at the promise of God through unbelief

but was strengthened in faith,

giving glory to God

and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was able to perform.

 

 

The actions in bold were the only actions I am supposed to take.  Each of these actions is needed to really "Be still."  Each of things will prevent me from trying to take the driver's seat away from God.  So this is my prayer:

 

Lord,

Help me to find peace with You alone, I want to be still

and rest in You.

Let all of the details in my life be worked out by You.

I trust You and I'm confident in Your promises to me.

Forgive me when I fail, and cover me with Your grace and mercy.

Let Your grace be sufficient for me.

 

Amen.

 



 

 



Farewell 2012....

How do you sum up an entire year? There have been years where it would be really easy, not much had changed, everything went the way it did the year before, nothing really eventful to speak of.  Those kind of years are a time of resting from the Lord, and then He says, enough rest, it's time to grow.  2012 was a year of growth for me.  That is how I sum it up. Sounds nice doesn't it?  How do I put into words what God has done to me, for me, and with me?

January 2012 started out with much anticipation. I was looking forward to what God would do, so much had changed for us.  We started off 2012 having just left our home church that I had attended since I was 6 years old.  For some church is just a building that they go to worship and to learn.  To me church was an extension of my family.  Our lives literally revolved around our church. The decision to leave was the hardest Ivan and I have had to face in our marriage of 12 years.  We grieved the loss of the dreams we had there.  We surrendered to Jesus the hurt and pain we held in our hearts.  It was time for a new start.  New starts sound nice but can be incredibly scary. We didn't know what God had for us.  We had to hang out in the "wilderness" waiting for God's direction.  Here was my opportunity for growth. When your comfort and security is stripped away God sees His opportunity to mold and shape me.  Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me...." I held on to this scripture, it was my promise.   There were so many moments I would question God...why are you doing this God?, when will it be over?, will it always hurt this bad?  In God's grace and mercy He would quietly assure me that He was in control and He knows what is best for me. 

March 2012 came another crushing blow to us.  Ivan was denied his SSA benefits.  I didn't understand, I was in shock.  I was confident that God would agree with "my plan" of us getting this decision and having a steady income each month.  I hope you got that hint of sarcasm.  God once again saw His opportunity, growth.  Yes, friends I am this stubborn.  It does take my whole world to fall apart for me to grow.  I have no one to blame but myself. If I was God I would give up but He loves me enough to hang in there. :) I had a meltdown, I cried, I cried again, I yelled, I cried again, I may have thrown some stuff, I slept for a few days. It wasn't pretty, but when flesh dies it never is pretty is it? Dying flesh stinks, literally.  But with each wound God was there faithful and loving.  He would fill me with His love and those wounds would start to build my faith.  Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think according to the power that works in us." Another promise from my Heavenly Father.  He will provide, He will do more than I could ask or think.  Ok Lord I'm hanging on to you.

Summer 2012 School had kept me busy, but school's out.  I have everyday to sit and think. Uh oh this is not good.  I'm a busybody, I'm a planner, I'm a control freak, I'm mildly OCD, I'm ...... the list goes on and on.  None of these things goes well with idle time.  It was time for my Nursing school applications.  Oh yes, it was strategizing time. That's right folks, I was going to strategize my way into Nursing school, I would be the one to figure it all out.  Against all odds I would get in.  Of course, I would say, God's gonna get me in, but really, I was the one to do the work.  Once again God looked down at me and probably shook His head and thought "dang she's stubborn."  He once again needed to break me down.  As the denial letters came rolling in, I felt that oh so common feeling, profound disappointment.  But isn't that what we always feel when our plans don't work out? I felt like a failure.  But God....... this was becoming a running theme for me, But God, He would pick me up and quietly whisper  to me, "I'm in control, not you." Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait I say on the Lord!" This is the ONE and only thing that God was asking me to do, just to wait.  Another opportunity for growth. Help me to learn how to wait.

December 2012 was a crazy month for me.  I struggled with the realities we have with our financial situation.  I was facing all of the things that I had hoped would be different by this time.  Each year I think each of us has those things that we say, this time next year it will be different.  When it doesn't change the way you'd hoped it's harsh.  But God is bigger and full of love and grace to fill those pits of disappointment.  Lamentations 3:22-25 " Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness, The Lord is my portion says my soul. Therefore I hope in Him! The Lord is good to those who wait for Him , to the soul who seeks Him." My favorite verses. The have become so real to me this year.

This year has been a struggle, but out of all the challenges I have come out stronger. I am a different person than I was a year ago.  I am thankful to have had these experiences. Of course I can't wait for things to be easier and to be done with these trials. It will happen in God's timing and He is sovereign, He sits on the throne and He loves me!

Luke 1:37 " For with God nothing will be impossible."

2012 had many answered prayers for me as well.  We found a new church to attend. It is a huge blessing to us and I praise the Lord for His answer to my prayer.  God has sustained us financially this year.  He has provided in amazing ways and I'm priveleged to have seen miracles happen in my everyday life. God has given me new friendships that are a huge blessing in my life.  We have been blessed by God with friends and family that are amazing. He uses them everyday to encourage and strengthen us in the midst of tough circumstances, and we are able to laugh and rejoice with each victory and opened door.  I have been able to attend school for 3 consecutive semesters, don't laugh, that is actually a victory for me. I have always been very scatter brained when it came to school, I would go and then flake out.  God has answered my prayer and given me the drive to keep pushing through.  God blessed me with the opportunity to start babysitting Reagan, she is our neighbors across the street daughter.  We have loved having her in our home, the kids love her like a little sister, and we have had the blessing of forging a great friendship with her parents. They have been a real blessing to us. 

I want to say Thank You to all who have prayed for us and loved us throughout 2012.  We are incredibly blessed. 

To God be the glory.................Bring it on 2013.

Cooking up a storm.....

I have been in a cooking rut lately.  I find myself cooking the same 10 things over and over again. I haven't really ever been a good "recipe" kind of gal.  I really like to just throw things together and tailor them to my own taste.  Recipes always seemed too complicated and I don't like buying things that are new and unfamiliar from the grocery store. I am a creature of habit, it's a bummer, I know.  Anyway, I decided to try and find some simple recipes that included ingredients I know and trust :) So I dove right into the best place I know to find good recipes......can you guess......that's right......PINTEREST!  I'm not the hugest Pinterest fan. I'm not really into crafting or DIY'ing or makeup, or homeschooling, it's not my thang. However, Pinterest is a great place to find good, simple recipes.  So I did some searching and came across some hopeful prospects.  I do a weekly menu on a white board on my fridge.  Each week I put down my dinners for the week and it really helps with making a dinner a no-brainer.  I can plan ahead to make simple dinners on busy nights and more complicated dinners on the nights we are home with nothing else better to do.  I started doing this about 2 years ago and it really helped cut down with the "OH shoot I forgot to pull out some meat from the freezer, let's go to Del Taco."  That was becoming the regular at our house instead of a home cooked meal.  The menu really does help, I would encourage you to do it if you don't already.  Also, when I grocery shop, I buy for specific meals.  I thought everyone did this until I talked to several of my friends and they said that they just buy whatever looks good and hope to be able to throw something together each night.  My brain just doesn't work that way.  I would be too overwhelmed and too lazy to try and "figure it out" each night.  I guess this all seems like a lot of work at first but once it becomes a habit it really makes life alot easier.  So back to cooking,  I found some recipes that I am super excited to try out. I thought I would share them and after I cook them I'll let you know how they came out.  Here they are:

Disneyland's Loaded Baked Potato Soup

http://disneyparks.disney.go.com/blog/2012/01/carnation-cafe-closes-thursday-for-renovations-at-disneyland-park/

Chicken and cheese Cresents

http://comfyinthekitchen.com/2011/02/crescent-chicken/

Chicken Noodle Casserole

 

http://www.food.com/recipe/chicken-macaroni-casserole-351655

These are recipes that I tried recently that I loved and BONUS my kids loved them too :)

Crockpot Chicken and Cornmeal dumplings

http://www.diabeticlivingonline.com/diabetic-recipes/30-minute/easy-recipes-in-a-bowl/

Dessert!!!!   

Chess Squares

http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dessert/chess-squares.html

Please share if you have any simple recipes.....and I'll definitely let you all know how these new recipes come out.  Warning: they are not Low Calorie!!!! Lots of milk, cheese, bacon, heavy whipping cream, and butter which means that they are only to be eaten in moderation but will be sooooo yummy :)

The joy of meeting a goal.

Over the last 10 years my weight has been a huge struggle for me. After I had Ally, I never returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. I agree, that weight was too skinny for my 5'8" frame.  I weighed about 125lbs when I started my pregnancy with Ally.  I gained about 35 lbs which is pretty normal.  I was disillusioned like most women thinking that I would pop out this kid and within 4 weeks be back to "normal." That didn't happen and the struggle commenced.  I started to workout and do every fad diet but I just couldn't get down past 135lbs.  I then became pregnant with Benny and only put on 15 lbs during my pregnancy and walked out of the hospital weighing 140lbs.  So I thought I'm gonna breastfeed and workout and I will easily get back down under 130lbs.  I did just that, I started kickboxing a few days a week and I breastfed Benny.  I got to 133lbs and I was really happy with that.  It didn't last long.  The unfortunate thing about breastfeeding is that you can pretty much eat anything you want and still burn major calories everyday.  So when I stopped breastfeeding I didn't change my eating habits and the weight packed on super fast.  I was up to 147lbs within 6 months.  I was shocked at how fast I gained weight.  I had never dealt with that before.  I had "skinny girl" brain where I could eat whatever I wanted and never gain a pound.  My brain needed to catch up with my body.  Things had changed and it was a harsh reality, I struggled to accept it.  I once again determined I would diet and excercise more to lose the weight.  To my suprise I ended up knocked up again with Bailey.  As vain as it sounds one of my first thoughts was "oh no I'm already fat, I'm gonna get even fatter!"  I know to some of you this may be offensive because 147lbs doesn't seem fat to you.  To me, it is not where I was comfortable, I had always been very thin.  So anyway, I gained about 25 lbs with Bailey and weighed about 170lbs when I delivered her.  Here's where things got really tricky.  I walked out of the hospital weighing about 155lbs.  I was totally under the impression that if I breastfed and worked out that I would drop the weight just like with Benny.  6 weeks after having Bailey I started to train to become a group fitness instructor. I was at the gym almost 5 days a week sometimes doing 2 workouts a day.  Initially I lost about 10 lbs. I was down to 145lbs.  I kept up my workouts and 6 months later I started to gain weight at a very rapid pace.  I gained about 15 lbs in a 6 month period.  I immediately made an appt with my Dr. to see what was wrong.  He ran a full blood panel on me and said there was nothing wrong other than I tested pre-diabetic.  I was so frustrated.  Another 6 months went by and I was up to 160lbs, the same weight as when I delivered Allyson. Talk about depressing.  I started to realize that my weight gain had more to do with my emotions and my psychological state than it did with what I ate and how often I worked out.  I was dealing with some really hard things in my personal life and I realized that I was depressed.  I eventually topped the scale at 170lbs.  I was so disgusted with myself, how could I let that happen? I was completely powerless over food and I stopped excercising. I was in a really dark place.  About a year later I decided that I had enough and started to take a homeopathic pill that helped with depression and weight loss.  It was called 5-htp. It is an amino acid. Within 2 weeks of taking this I felt so much better.  I told my mom it was like someone took a black hood off of my face and I could see the sunshine again.  It made me very nauseas and gave me headaches but it was a fair trade off for how much better I felt.  I took it for about 6 months and lost 10lbs.   I was down to 160lbs but I still was very unhappy with the way I looked.  I always dreamed of being back at 130lbs.  It seemed impossible, it seemed so far fetched.  There were many times that I told myself this is the way it is going to be. I just have to get used to looking like this.  I don't have the will or the discipline to change.  I met with one of my best friends for dinner and she looked amazing.  I asked her what she was doing and she told me "low calorie diet and running."  Now I have known her since birth and for her to run was just a down right miracle! I thought to myself "if she can run, then I can run."  That week I put on my shoes and got on the treadmill.  The first month I couldn't even run a mile without stopping.  I hated it!!! I absolutely loathed running.  It was so boring and it hurt! I would curse in my head and be totally mad the whole time.  I kept at it.  Not very consistant though.  I would do 2 days a week maybe 3 on a good week.  I started to get better at it, within a few months I was running 2-3 miles without stopping.  I really hated the treadmill though.  I finally decided that running outside was better suited for me.  Running outside hurt worse, and it was much harder than the treadmill. But I loved getting out of the house and having some time alone.  It was therapeutic.  I started to really like running.  I never thought that would happen but it did.  I would look forward to my runs.  I started to run consistently 3-4 times a week and 3-4 miles each run.  The bad part was I was still eating like a pig! So I ran and ran and ran and ate and ate and ate.  My weight stayed pretty consistent around 155-160lbs.  In January of 2011 I had to have my appendix taken out and I was forced on a liquid diet for a week.  I lost almost 10lbs, it was amazing. I was too drugged up to care that I couldn't eat.  Best diet ever!!! hahahaha.  At that point I decided it was the best time to try dieting to see if I could get the rest of the weight off.  Unfortunately it was an epic fail.  If you go on a liquid diet your body is starving and when you start eating again it stores everything, so the 10lbs I lost came right back.  I was frustrated and felt defeated and just plain old gave up.  I kept running but no dieting. I ate whatever crap I wanted to whenever I wanted to.  The running basically just helped maintain my weight instead of gaining.  Finally when life fell apart last year, I decided it was time. Time for a change, time for me to gain control over something that had controlled me for 10 years. I had very little in my life that I could control but my weight was one thing I could control, so I did.  I put myself on a very low calorie diet that did not exclude anything.  So I could have carbs, sugar, fat , whatever as long as I stayed within my calorie allowance. I also ran 3-4 days a week, my normal run, nothing more or less. I started to see immediate results.  I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks, 20 lbs at 6 weeks and finally 30lbs at 12 weeks.  I did it!!!!! After so long I finally reached my goal.  I lost 30lbs!!!!! I have been able to maintain my weight for almost 3 months now, which I was never able to do before.I finally realized how important it is to change my eating habits. You can't excercise away bad eating habits. To maintain I eat whatever I want on the weekends and stick to 1,000 calories a day Monday thru Friday. I still run 3 days a week.

  I wanted to write this, not to brag, but to inspire you.  I know there were times in my life I needed inspiration. It helped me to see friends of mine reach their goals.  I can't tell you exactly what changed or what clicked with me to finally get there. It's different for everyone.  If you have a goal, keep going, it may take years to get there but if you stick with it, you will get there.  Don't let failure derail you from pushing forward.  Find out what works for you and push through. Find inspiration and encouragement and hang on to it.